And I Hate That
by JadeWerewolf
Summary: Draco's life is full of hate. In his last moments, he thinks about it all. WARNING: suicide and child abuse!


Disclaimer: Again, this is Stephanie's. If you don't believe that I ahev permission email her an ask, Moony489@aol.com However HP belongs to J.K. Rowling  
  
And I Hate That  
  
I hate compassion. I hate everything that has to do with compassion. I believe compassion is a form of pity and pity shouldn't exist. For example, it's harder to deal with an attached person than a detached person. A detached person doesn't care. Care is a form of pity, too. Another example, my mother cares for me, but she lets my father beat the bloody shit out of both of us and then she dresses my wounds. She pities me. I don't want pity. I hate pity.  
  
I hate Potter, too. No, I don't hate Potter per say, I hate that he doesn't love me. Because I love him. Bloody wanker. I hate Crabbe and Goyle too. They're big stupid lackeys and they're only my friends because father pays them. I don't have any real friends and I hate that. And I don't think that friendship can be bought. I hate father for thinking so.  
  
And I hate Granger for being so damn smart. I'm good in some things but I'm forced to do things I hate. Therefore I couldn't care any less and I refuse to do my best. Sometimes, I hope I'll fail just to piss father off. Oh, yes, the first Malfoy to ever fail a year at Hogwash. Excuse me Hogwarts. I hate this bloody school.  
  
I hate Weasel too. Not only is he Potter's best friend, he's his boyfriend. Stupid boy. I hate his whole family. They're so stuck up. God, and they put to shame the title of purebloods. Muggle loving freaks. They should have been Muggles themselves. Damn the lot of them.  
  
I hate Dumbledore. He's too compassionate. Not to mention he's a manipulative bastard.  
  
And I hate Remus Lupin. Not for reasons you would think though. I *loved* him. I was attracted to him. God knows why, he had gray hair and shabby robes. Of course, I had my dreams about tearing them off and making love to him all night. Every class, I was on the edge of my seat, staring at him, hanging on his every word. But he was too attached to Sirius Black. And he told me off when I told him that I loved him. Stupid git.  
  
I hate Quidditch. Yeah, you heard me right, I HATE QUIDDITCH! I only play because staring at Potter on a broom seems to be the most romantic thing ever. And of course, Father makes me. He always dreamed of my being Seeker. Of course that's the position I play the worst. I'm a better beater but Father wouldn't hear of it. I hate being his son.  
  
I hate being in Slytherin too. Of course, I had to "uphold the family honor." We've been in Slytherin for centuries. I should have told the Hat that I wanted Gryffindor. And then maybe I'd be with Potty right now. Instead of here. But I hate maybes.  
  
I hate Professor Snape. I think he fancies me in a more than professorly manner. God, that greasy slimy git doesn't have a chance. But he keeps needling Potter. That really pisses me off. No one, I mean *no one* should be able to be around my Potter but me! He should love *me!* But he doesn't and I hate that.  
  
I hate that I look exactly like my father. I hate that I act just like him too. Hell, I hate everything about my father. I hope he dies. slowly and painfully. Under the Cruiatus Curse or something. But maybe death is too good for him.  
  
And I hate Voldemort. I want him to be a weak little baby so I can "accidentally" step on him and kill him. I hate that my parents let him sleep in my room when I'm at school. And I hate that he lives any where near my house, at all. People like him don't deserve to live.  
  
I hate Wormtail, too. The stupid rat. He's caused Harry so much pain. I hate that he's a coward who helped bring that bastard Voldemort back to life. I hate that he likes to fuck me. Every night that shit comes in my room and rapes me after my father does. I hate his watery eyes and rat-like face. He's a bloody moron.  
  
I hate love. I don't believe in it anymore. I have never, for even one second in my life, have someone love me. And I don't believe that it can exist in this world anymore. Because this world is far too cruel. And I suppose I'm not really helping but I don't care. And I hate that I don't care.  
  
And I hate hating. It's so stupid. It's a worthless emotion. But I love to hate anyway. Please don't ask. It's complicated and I hate complicated things.   
  
I hate it when people bite their finger nails and twirl there hair around their fingers. It's bloody annoying.  
  
I hate Sirius Black. He was the reason Lupin told me off. And the reason Potter hates me. Even more than he used to. He keeps telling him not to trust me. To stay far away from me. So all my attempts to be Potter's friend have failed.  
  
I hate failing, too. I'm a Malfoy, we don't fail. We're above the rest. And we're all perfectionists. Because failing is the same as losing. And if we Malfoys play, we play to win. Who doesn't want to win? Winners get he glory. And maybe if I win, then Potter will see me. Will respect me. God, I hate maybes. I wonder what goes on in Potter's head. Wonder if he really loves Weasel. Or if he has the hots for me. I wish it was the latter. But I know it's the former and I hate that.  
  
I hate insomnia, too. I mean who wants to lay awake every night because Potty fills your head or because your thinking of what goes on when your at home or because your not tired or because you don't want to dream. I hate it. It's bloody awful. I haven't slept properly in months. I get dreams. and they're about Potter. And I hate them because they don't come true. And sometimes I get nightmares. I'll wake up in the night screaming, all cold and sweaty. Sometimes it pays to have really heavy sleepers for room mates.  
  
I hate the colour green too. I don't know why but it's so ridiculous. It's a very odd thing to hate but I do indeed hate it.   
  
But, most of all, I suppose, I hate my life, myself and everything about Draco Malfoy. I look into the mirror and I see that pale pointed face looking back at me and I want to shatter that mirror into a thousand pieces. I don't blame Father for hating me. I can't put it past Potter for hating me either. Look at me, I'm just another pawn in this stupid world. I do every thing my father wants me to do. "Take Arithmancy." I hate Arithmancy. I hate that I took that instead of Divination. But I'm just a puppet. And Voldemort is going to kill me because he has an arrangement with Father. And Father made that arrangement because I'm gay and love Potter. And used to love Lupin. But I won't give my father the satisfaction of killing me. I'm going to do it myself. Right here, right now, So goodbye. But before I go, do you want to know what I love more than anything? Happy endings. But this story doesn't have one. And I hate that.  
  
-D.M.-  
  
End 


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